I didn't drink much in high school.  I was extremely into sports and fortunately hung around with athletes that didn't drink or drug.  I also was preoccupied with my own stuff in high school; that's when I came out - when I was 15.  So between my Gay Teen groups and my Al-Anon groups, drinking just didn't fit into my life at that point. 

 

I didn't drink much in college either.  I started dabbling with alcohol and pot, but it wasn't consistent.  When I did drink though, I was wasted, and usually balcked out.  It wasn't until after I graduated college that I really started drinking.  I was depressed.  Something about graduating college really depressed me.  I guess it was the fact that I had always been told what to do my entire life until that point.  And once graduation came, I was on my own - and i was scared!  I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.  And the one thing I thought was secure in my life, my relationship, ended abruptly when she told me she was cheating on me and left me for someone else.  This was nothing new to me.  I had been cheated on in every relationship I ever had.  She left me with the poisonous words that will haunt me forever - "You're just not fun...."  Well, there was a shot to the ego. 

 

So, I did the most logical thing -  I started to have fun, to prove that I was fun.  And boy did I have fun.  The next year of my life was a complete disaster and brought me to these rooms quicker than anyone could imagine.  I tried for 8 months to get that girl back in my life, when the truth was I didn't even want her - I just wanted to prove to her that I was fun.  So, when we started hanging out again, I did anything and everything that she deemed as "FUN."  I drank seven days a week, from the time I got out of work until 2-3 in the morning.  Spending about $75-$100 a night on booze for myself, and everyone else in the bar of course.  I picked up marijuana, buying and smoking $50 a day - that's five blunts a day.  I started taking painkillers with my alcohol, because my buzz was just not as effective anymore.  And I drove around every night wasted and high smoking pot in my car trying to prove that I was cool.  I missed work just about every other day.  I made up lies to everyone at work for reasons to get out of work.  My performance was slacking because I had lost all motivation.  All I could think about during my sometimes 8 hour, but usually 6 hour day, was where I was going after work to get wasted.  I stole money from the bank I worked at.  I stole money from one of my roommates.  I stole money from my older brother's IRA.  I stole money from my dad.  I maxed out $10,000 in credit cards.  I gave one of my dogs away for drugs.  I didn't care how I got the drugs and the alcohol, but I was getting it.  And everyone used me.  Everyone.  I had to move out of my apartment and go and live with my dad because i wasn't paying my bills. 

 

When I moved in with my dad, my drinking increased dramatically, if that was even possible.  I kicked the pot and the painkillers, and therefore needed more and more alcohol.  I was barely working at all.  I was usually drinking by 11 in the morning and not stopping until about 3 in the morning.  I got pulled over about 4 times in three months wasted, and by the Grace of God did not get a DUI.  People told me I was an alcoholic, and laughed about it.  So I laughed with them.  I knew I was in a hole of shit, but could not see any possible way out. 

 

UNTIL God took action.  Things were starting to turn around for me.  I met my partner now who, without trying to sound corny, is my true soul mate.  And even though when we first met we were still drinking 7 days a week, I got a new job closer to home, and was starting to surround myself with people who cared about me.  I will never forget when I got my new job I told everyone that I was so happy because now I could go out earlier and didn't have to waste time on the commute when I could be out drinking.  And the scary part is, I was serious.  So where does God come into this?  Well, since I was going out so much, and didn't seem to have a care in the world, people were attracted to my way of life.  Hey, I was FUN!  I was carefree and exciting.  Before I met my partner, I was hooking up with anyone and everyone.  I was dating 5 girls when I met my girlfriend.  And still, even after we started dating, people were hitting on me.  Thank God I was not born a cheater and I did nothing stupid to jeopardize my relationship, BUT people were still making attempts.  And one person who was relentless in attempting, started to piss me off.  She was dating my best friend.  So, one night out, on my birthday actually, I was drunk of course, and I told my best friend what her partner was doing.  Whether or not she believed me was not important.  The important part was that this person, angrier than ever that she got caught, went to my mom's house and told my mom EVERYTHING that I had been doing with my life.  And I mean everything.  From the drugs, to the theft, my mom was now filled in.  This is why I say God stepped in.  Because, even though this woman was trying to ruin my life, everything happens for a reason, and she actually saved my life. 

 

She went to the bank and told them about the money I stole.  So, I was forced to come clean on everything I had done.  My mom paid off all my debts, got me a new car, got me into therapy, got me away from my alcoholic dad and had me move in with my new girlfriend - who is a drug and alcohol counselor - and made me promise that I would go to AA.  So I did.  I went to two meetings, I didn't drink for 5 days, and I said screw this, I'm not like these people, and I'm not like my dad.  I'm not an alcoholic.  I'm just 23.  This is what 23 year old's do right?  I mean, hey, every one around me was drinking just as much as me.  So, I continued going to therapy, because I didn't have a choice, and I continued drinking more and more and more.  My girlfriend started catching on to my drinking, so I started hiding it from her.  I was drinking alone at bars after work.  I was drinking 6 packs at home and hiding the bottles in the garbage before my girlfriend got home.  I was lying to my mom about attending AA and staying sober.  By this point, I had only been working at my new job for maybe a month, and everyone there was talking about what an alcoholic I was.  I had a reputation in a month! 

 

I would go to therapy once a week and deny being an alcoholic every week.  Finally he said to me, "what's it going to take for you to stop drinking."  He said, "you keep saying you're not an alcoholic because you're not like your dad, but please enlighten me, how are you any different from him?"  He said "you know Kristin, you don't have to lose EVERYTHING to hit your bottom."  And finally, it made sense.  I decided I don't want to get a DUI, I don't want to lose my girlfriend, I don't want to lose my job.  And I knew that if I continued drinking, I would.  And I realized at that moment, that my nightmare had come true - I was EXACTLY like my dad.  And give it another 25 years, I'd be exactly where he is, no family and dying of alcoholism.  I wasn't going to let that happen, I had already caused so much damage from drinking.  I had already hurt so many people.  I was still lying to my mom, who saved me and gave me another chance at a good life. 

 

So, on October 30, 2004, I had my last drink. 

 

First 30 Days:

I like to refer to this time period as the First 30 days of Boredom....I literally sat at home for 30 days and watched tv and ate.  I knew if I went anywhere, I would be tempted to drink!  I went to one or two meetings a week.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I was irritable, emotional, angry, every feeling you could possibly imagine.  Every week in therapy I was asking "is this normal?"  He explained to me that since I was hiding and stuffing my feelings away for so long with alcohol, now that I didn't have anything to "NUMB" me, I was starting to feel again.  And boy was he right.  I couldn't stop crying.  Everytime I left a meeting I would cry hysterically and have no idea why.  My girlfirend gave up drinking to support me.  So the two of us basically lost all of our friends.  We were an outcast; ostracized by the people we thought were our true friends.  Neither of us knew what to do.  So we started trying different things - we went to Inner Harbor, hung out with some new people that didn't care so much about drinking, volunteered at Soup Kitchens.  And by the Grace of God, I made it through my first 30 days.  My Home group has a Chip Program - and I would recommend that you find a group that has this as well.  I can't tell you how amazing it felt to stand up and recieve my 30 day chip.  Everyone clapped for me and hugged me.  It was an amazing feeling.  I carried that chip with me everywhere I went.  Everytime I wanted to feel good, I would look at my chip. 

 

Next 30 days:

 

Over the course of the next 30 days a lot happened...I admitted powerlessness over alcohol.  You see, New Years was coming up, and I was terrified!  How would I ever survive New Years sober???  This was unheard of!  So I began to convince myself that I could drink once a year on New Years, and I would be fine!  Well, wouldn't you know it, as cunning, baffling and powerful as this disease is, within MINUTES I was telling myself that I could drink twice a year, once on New Years and once on my birthday.  I knew that if I took that first drink on New Year's, it would only be weeks before I was telling myself that I could drink once a week.  So at that moment I realized, that this program was no joke.  When they said you have no control over this disease, they were serious!  During these 30 days I also finally realized that I needed to go to more than two meetings a week.  Because I wasn't "getting it."  I wasn't speaking at meetings, I wasn't socializing with anyone there.  I was basically nothing more than a dry drunk.  My denial was still so strong at this point and it was trying so hard to get me back out.  It was convincing me that AA was brainwashing me.  And that still, I wasn't like them.  So, I started to go to a meeting everyday.  And I started talking to people, and I started sharing in meetings.  And I started to feel better.  I was finally getting it.  It was during this 30 days that I finally gave in and got a sponsor.  I couldn't see myself needing a sponsor.  I told myself I was stronger than most people and I wouldn't drink if I didn't want to so what the hell could a sponsor do for me?  When I got my sponsor and began creating a network for myself, I laughed at the realization that there is not a day that goes by that I don't call someone from my network.  Whether it's to say hi, or to cry about something, I am on the phone or picking someone up for a meeting, or meeting someone at a meeting. 

 

The last 30 days...

 

When I mentioned getting a chip program, I was serious.  I got my 60  day chip, and I can't tell you how bad I wanted that 90 day chip.  There were many many many times that I almost slipped.  And the biggest thing that kept me sober was getting that 90 day chip.  I wanted to know that feeling so bad.  I wanted to celebrate so bad and get pinned and tell everyone my story. 

 

The last 30 days, for me, were a piece of cake.  I had established a network, I was working the program, and things were coming easier for me.  I was taking one day at a time.  Yes, I was still quite bored, but then someone said to me in a meeting, if you're bored than you must be boring.  And he was right.  I had to think about it.  Was the stuff I did really fun?  endangering my life and others...getting so wasted I couldn't remember what happened the night before...revolving my life around alcohol.  What was so fun about this?  Yeah, maybe it was exciting...  but so is travelling, and bungee jumping, and skydiving, and roller coasters, and helping others, and sporting events, and concerts.  These are all exciting too right?  And now, not only could i enjoy them, but I could remember these moments.  So if you're bored out of your mind the first 90 days, look within.  Find things that you like, that maybe you never even knew you liked.  You will find that you don't need drugs and alcohol to make you have fun.  Even if you're shy, or uptight, and use drugs and alcohol to relax you...there are other things you can do to relax.  Pray, go to therapy, figure out what it is that makes you so shy or uptight. 

 

The one thing that I've resisted, and am still resisting is changing the people, places and things.  And I know I have to.  I tried going to bars and clubs in my first 90 days.  But the truth is, I have no business there.  Yeah, I can get through it without drinking.  But when I leave, my denial starts playing tricks on me.  When I leave, I feel insecure, vulnerable, and basically like a loser.  I feel like I'm not fun anymore.  One time after leaving a bar I wanted to die.  I felt like this was just no way to live.  I felt like it just wasn't fair that I could never have fun again.  I continue to hang out with the friends I had when I was drinking, that are still drinking.  I continue to challenge my sobriety and test myself.  I continue to put myself into dangerous situations.  These are all things that I need to work out in my second step.  I need to continue going to meetings everyday, and talking these feelings out with people.  Maybe one day I will be able to go into a bar and not have it effect me.  But, not today.